How narcissists destroy your dreams & potential - Dr. Ramani

Foreign.

Hi everyone, it's Dr.

Ramani.

Welcome back to this YouTube channel on all things narcissism.

Today we're going to take on a video that I think has a real profundity and I think it's one that I want people to pay attention to because it has a lot of power beyond just managing a narcissistic relationship.

But before we get on to that heavy topic, please, as always, welcome to this channel.

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This video is going to take on a really important topic I've seen happen in many people.

I, personally, I've got to tell you, I've seen it happen myself in myself.

This gets at the idea of how do narcissists steal your dreams and limit your potential?

And if this has happened to you, I'm always gonna ask you, please drop it in the comments.

I want to hear your stories.

This may be one of the videos.

As I thought about it, I really got angry as I was preparing for it because this to me is the most terrible legacy of narcissistic abuse.

The loss of the potential of the person who experienced the narcissistic abuse.

And you know what's interesting?

It actually doesn't matter whether your narcissistic abuse happened in childhood or whether it happened because of a partner or it happened with a horrible abusive boss.

It can happen at any of those stages.

You can end up in this place.

So I'll open with a happy ending so this video isn't too depressing.

And then we'll go on to the depressing stuff.

The best part of surviving, narcissistic abuse is that survivors more often than not do go on to do amazing things.

Once you can get the narcissist out of your life and out of your mind, all of that new time and mental space and mental real estate that you can now open up means that you've now got the bandwidth to do amazing things.

And many people do once they are set free.

So let's work backwards because the hard part for people is the years that they wasted in their narcissistic relationship.

If it's your parents who are the narcissist, not only did it shape who you are, but you then had to go through the shame, grief and guilt, the guilt inducing work of letting them go and the endless work of getting their invalidating voices out of your head.

If it's your partner, you may have come into that relationship with all kinds of big dreams and aspirations you had been building up until you met them and their future.

Faking and manipulation may have left you slowly clipping your wings a little at a time.

Maybe you ended up not finishing school, or you were insulted enough times that that you no longer had the courage to open your new business or filled you got ended up filled with so much self doubt that you wouldn't fight for that promotion at work.

Or your narcissistic relationship found you moving off to another place too soon because they promised you the world never happened though.

And year over year, hearing their invalidating voice left you only enough bandwidth to ruminate about the confusing mess that is your relationship.

If you had a narcissistic mentor or boss or business partner, they may have stolen your ideas or your intellectual property or literally the money in the business.

They may have made it so toxic that you left what could have been a promising career or money so sunk into a business.

You may have been gaslighted so many times that you began to doubt if you were sane, let alone competent.

It's the rumination part that is so awful.

The amount of time you spend thinking about the terrible things they say, your shock at how unempathic they are, your confused confusion in the wake of so much gaslighting and manipulation.

You ruminate and you wonder and you get caught in the whole cognitive dissonance mind F word and you get more and more stuck and lose more and more of your mental bandwidth to rumination and you talk yourself out of your own aspirations.

The toxic recipe of gaslighting plus invalidation plus shame plus rumination equals a person who doesn't feel they have the right to pursue their dreams and the fear that if they did pursue that their fears that they would shame, the narcissist would shame or God forbid you succeeded, that the narcissist would then leave the relationship.

I have worked with so many people who have heard the invalidation mantras delivered by their malcontented narcissistic parents who left this person wondering their child, now adult wondering if they are good enough and as a result of this didn't take the chance.

They didn't make the leap.

Whether it was their education or a business or or a career or just a great idea.

The ever thrumming idea in your head of you are not good enough, you're an idiot or who do you think you are?

Those words play through your head and again silence those aspirations.

The number of People in narcissistic marriages who were laughed at when they voiced an aspiration and are silenced at every turn or mocked in front of other people for getting too big for your britches.

And even if you had achieved something already before you came into the relationship, they would still diminish your accomplishments.

They might laugh at any awards and honors you receive.

They might minimize a promotion because the raise wasn't that big.

And one day, one day you lose your fight and you stop trying to.

The other thing to remember about all narcissists is that they set out to sabotage your dreams.

They are so insecure themselves that they could not tolerate your success.

So they sabotage can be in your face stuff like literally calling your employer and saying bad things about you.

And more often than not, it's worse.

Subtle stuff like withholding information you might need.

But all of their machinations are often designed to subvert your aspirations because their fragile little egos couldn't tolerate your success and the threat to their ego that your success would bring and that literally robs you of your aspirations.

This.

This loss of potential is the reason I do this work.

When I stop to think about all of the beautiful and incredible things the world may not see because a fragile narcissist couldn't bear the success of their family member or friend or partner, it makes me sick.

One of the most beautiful moments in therapy with any client I work with who has experienced narcissistic abuse is that moment when we actually start talking about their dreams.

And I get to not only hear them, which is magnificent, but I get the opportunity to tell them that, wow, amazing.

And that they deserve the opportunity to soar, and that I actually am putting my money on them to win this race.

I then hand them the proverbial scissors to cut off the sandbags that the narcissist put on their balloon so that it can finally rise.

This may be the first video that I've actually ever outlined that made me cry while I was setting my thoughts down.

I am so angry when it comes to this particular issue.

If people were unfettered and could be their best selves, extraordinary things wouldn't happen just for the person, but for the world at large.

It's obvious I'm not a fan of narcissism, but it's this one piece that enrages me.

It's painful to watch people who don't get set free from these relationships until later in life, because for these people, there's often paralyzing regret.

Perhaps their narcissists finally die or they do finally get the courage to set down the boundary or get a divorce or whatever.

But it may be later in life.

I still believe there is an opportunity.

who knows?

You may not climb that mountain you'd wanted to climb, but perhaps you can take a hike to its base.

Maybe you won't fully open that business, but perhaps you'll take a class you were never permitted to take.

Or maybe you'll get a job or volunteer.

The aspiration can take hold in another way.

It is never too late.

We must stop the loss of potential that happens at the hands of narcissists.

Remember what I have said over and over.

They need us more than we need them.

Your success is terrifying for them.

Never clip your wings for another human being.

Love means letting someone soar.

And limiting another human being in any way is abuse.

Promise me that you will start reaching for that aspiration initially, even if it's only in your mind.

Do one thing a day towards it and say that aspiration out loud to someone you trust.

But promise me you won't stop it.

Amazing things happen when you finally get out from under the thumb of your narcissists.

I am convinced that, that surviving narcissistic abuse is nothing short of a superpower.

Honestly, if you could survive that, you can do anything.

The world needs you to succeed and achieve your aspirations and really set fire and turn those goals down.

Just please do it.

Listen, I would love to hear what you had to give up to survive, in this narcissistic relationship.

But even more importantly, after giving it up, I want to hear how you were able to turn it around.

And I want to hear your stories, not only of, surviving, but of thriving and of growth again.

Surviving narcissistic abuse is a superpower.

You learn something about people that most people don't know where everyone is rocking around saying, give everyone a chance.

Let's give them a chance.

You just end up becoming the smartest person in the room.

You're like, yeah, no, I'm not giving them a chance.

You become smart, you become savvy.

Yeah, a lot of people are going to say, what's your story?

Why aren't you, why aren't you just going along with it?

Because you're never just going to go along with it again.

Give yourself permission to cut the sandbags off.

Let yourself soar high.

Once you get that distance from the narcissist, I promise you, it's going to be like you lost £300 overnight.

You will feel as light as air.

It takes time.

It doesn't happen overnight.

But even if you can't get out of this relationship, please make a commitment, a commitment to yourself that at some level, day by day, brick by brick you're going to allow your potential to shine.

That robbing of human potential is by far the most horrific legacy of narcissistic abuse not just in individual relationships but in how we've constructed a world full of enablers and full of narcissists.

We must stop together, stop them from collectively hobbling so much potential out there.

Again, share those survivor stories.

Everybody needs to see this.

If you've got a good survivor story, a life you started after getting away from your narcissist, I need that in these comments because hearing someone else's story is what often sets other people free.

As always, thank you for the strength that this community gives me to keep pushing this work ahead and I hope that this content is helping you.

Thank you again.

Bye.